Ugh!

So I found out that there is all this misinformation about my conversion rabbi, BUT it is true that he is really controversial. He's done some questionable things, however, I cannot and will not publicly say anything against him. The fact is that even though I regret my conversion, I'm still Jewish, I still have obligations to God, and the people I joined and to myself. It is really rough living this duality.  I think more than anything I'm frustrated with the circumstances which seem to trap me.  I've been searching in vain for substantiation of the allegations that most other Orthodox rabbis are not accepting his conversions.

The big news I found out is that he is still doing conversions. I'm not sure where I heard that he wasn't, but apparently he is. I recently met one of his students, someone with an ego the size of Texas and no tact whatsoever. This person seemingly has no ability to gauge the appropriateness of their comments, and attacked me for my feelings about the mistreatment I suffered, but I think I mentioned that already.  I also found out that my friend fell off the conversion wagon and apparently is now living as a non-Jew.  This is a really nice person, but I had no idea that this had happened. Gam zu l'tovah.  I can't help but feel the tug of, "What if that could have been me?" How would I feel?" Would I realize the ojida I saved myself? Would I still have the same relationship with God? Unlikely. I think my relationship with God would be better, but you just never know.

It's late/early.

Ugh!

http://www.jewcy.com/religion-and-beliefs/ultra_orthodox_rabbis_are_reversing_conversions_fistful