I think this Sukkot has had the least amount of simcha yet. Shemini Atzeret is just about here, and now I'm really ferklempt: will I be stuck at home like a pathetic creature, or will Hashem have mercy on me and allow me to be invited out? Only time will tell.
I can't wait for it to be over!
Oct 19, 2011
Oct 16, 2011
Ugh!
So I found out that there is all this misinformation about my conversion rabbi, BUT it is true that he is really controversial. He's done some questionable things, however, I cannot and will not publicly say anything against him. The fact is that even though I regret my conversion, I'm still Jewish, I still have obligations to God, and the people I joined and to myself. It is really rough living this duality. I think more than anything I'm frustrated with the circumstances which seem to trap me. I've been searching in vain for substantiation of the allegations that most other Orthodox rabbis are not accepting his conversions.
The big news I found out is that he is still doing conversions. I'm not sure where I heard that he wasn't, but apparently he is. I recently met one of his students, someone with an ego the size of Texas and no tact whatsoever. This person seemingly has no ability to gauge the appropriateness of their comments, and attacked me for my feelings about the mistreatment I suffered, but I think I mentioned that already. I also found out that my friend fell off the conversion wagon and apparently is now living as a non-Jew. This is a really nice person, but I had no idea that this had happened. Gam zu l'tovah. I can't help but feel the tug of, "What if that could have been me?" How would I feel?" Would I realize the ojida I saved myself? Would I still have the same relationship with God? Unlikely. I think my relationship with God would be better, but you just never know.
It's late/early.
Ugh!
http://www.jewcy.com/religion-and-beliefs/ultra_orthodox_rabbis_are_reversing_conversions_fistful
The big news I found out is that he is still doing conversions. I'm not sure where I heard that he wasn't, but apparently he is. I recently met one of his students, someone with an ego the size of Texas and no tact whatsoever. This person seemingly has no ability to gauge the appropriateness of their comments, and attacked me for my feelings about the mistreatment I suffered, but I think I mentioned that already. I also found out that my friend fell off the conversion wagon and apparently is now living as a non-Jew. This is a really nice person, but I had no idea that this had happened. Gam zu l'tovah. I can't help but feel the tug of, "What if that could have been me?" How would I feel?" Would I realize the ojida I saved myself? Would I still have the same relationship with God? Unlikely. I think my relationship with God would be better, but you just never know.
It's late/early.
Ugh!
http://www.jewcy.com/religion-and-beliefs/ultra_orthodox_rabbis_are_reversing_conversions_fistful
Oct 15, 2011
The biggest "TEST" of my life: Being Jewish
Here's the deal. I'm a convert. I converted a little over five years ago. Since then, I've been through hell, and I'm not back yet. I've felt unwelcome more times than I can ever count. I've felt like a burden likely as many times. I've been stared at, abused and mistreated. I've been asked, "Are you a convert?" enough times to make me more nauseous than a seasick crocodile. (Yes, that really was a reference to Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole X-mas.) I've dealt with unhelpful rabbis, anti-semitic family members (including but not limited to my mother) as well as random anti-semitic comments from family members who otherwise don't seem to hate Jews. I feel extorted by my conversion rabbi, a real lack of empathy from the community, who quite frankly really isn't a community at all, and more of a club of individuals, couples and families who happen to go to the same shul. I've been downright snubbed when visiting other congregations, and had my father basically intimate that my problems can be solved by my going to see his pastor for Christian "faith healing", but he didn't want to say anything so as to respect my wishes. I've watched as the "conversion crisis" has ballooned out of proportion, only to seemingly die down for the moment while we all wait for the other shoe to drop.
To add insult to injury, I had to leave the synagogue where I converted because
A) The rebbetzin was a totally unrestrained maniac who was terrorizing the whole shul, and actually shouted at me so much, and argued till I had a total melt-down panic panic/anxiety attack right in the shul in front of everyone. She never apologized. I'd gotten too close with my personal problems, thinking the rabbi and rebbetzin would help me. They blamed me for all my problems in life, and based on the little they knew, expected me to say how hi when they barked jump.
The same rebbetzin made a point 2 or 3 times of announcing out loud in front of other congregants that "(I'm) not a member" when she was angry at what I had to say. Total mortification and public humiliation and embarrassment. No, rebbetzin, I cannot afford the $1,000+ annual membership as a poor young single woman!
The same rebbetzin also publicly shouted out asking if I had been at the other local shul (closer by about 40 minutes!) when I only showed up for seudah shlishit instead of my USUAL, Friday Mincha-Kabbalat Shabbat-Marriv, Scharit-Musaf + kiddush, and Minchah-Seudah-shlishit-M"S Maariv. Not the only time I had been accused of shul-shopping (a terrible crime, apparently, particularly for a NON-MEMBER!)
B) The congregation had created a cult of personality around the rabbi, and by extension his wonderful shul. That means that anybody who regularly attends, even if they're not a member, dare not 1) not show up for services. 2) attend other local shuls. 3) not attend paid shul functions (all shul functions not are paid, except life cycle events which they cannot charge for!) 4) criticize anything to do with the shul, no matter how asinine it may be. I had been publicly bashed and called irresponsible for deciding to go to a friend's parent's house instead of staying local because I couldn't afford the $100+ to cover the two sedarim at the shul both seder nights. How DARE I not save up my money so I can support the shul? I mean, it doesn't matter that they normally have dozens of people in attendance. My hard earned money needed to be counted in the shul's coffers, and I was some kind of irresponsible, immature, cheapskate traitor by going with a free, home cooked meal with my best friend and her family! What kind of person was I?
Being that I could not afford to pay rent in a room or apartment near the shul, I had to walk over an hour in all kinds of weather, often times being the first person in shul, even before the rabbi (who lived around the corner). It would be me and the caretaker sometimes. I was clearly NOT loyal to the shul that I didn't belong to.
C) Blindsided. That's how I felt when I found out that the bet din would be charging me well over $1,000 to convert, approx. 1-2 weeks before conversion. I shouldn't worry the rabbi told me. There was a fund for this, and I'd pay them back, and I quote, "when I have money." Guess what? I've been out of a job paying a living wage for years. I've been unable to work for several years, and barely have what to get by on. Within a year, I was being hounded for money. Why hadn't I paid up yet? He wouldn't except small installments. It was a mess.
Here it is several years later, and my situation is grim. I've been majorly depressed on and off. I've spent countless hours schlepping all over the interconnecting areas of public transportation to purchase siddurim, tznua clothing, Judaica, attend shiurim and lectures, Jewish events, buy kosher food, attend services, go away for Shabbat and Yomim Tovim when I don't have where to go locally (I really can't keep the Sabbath and holidays properly at home with my goyish family.) etc. I'm worn out, I mean really worn out. Very little is available locally besides the very basics. Everyone expects me to move to somewhere like Brooklyn where I'm never comfortable, what with all the gaping stares, in shul, on the street, in restaurants, the supermarket...
oh, didn't I mention?
I'M BLACK.
Now, DON'T GET ME WRONG... I'm not saying all or even most white American Jews are racist, although there are enough that are ignorant and isolated enough in the Orthodox world, where they wear said ignorance on their sleeves, that it really is unsettling to a sensitive person like myself to be constantly gawked at like some kind of caged animal at the zoo. It's not like living in the South, where you know it's because you're hated for your color. It's more subtle, like, "Yeah, you're Jewish, but you're not REALLY Jewish like me" or, "Huh? Jews come in THAT color and shape?" or, "Wait... huh? This picture just doesn't make sense..." or "She MUST be a convert, but what is she doing here? Oooh, this is like I a train wreck, I just can't look away... Oh, man, I'm drooling... eew..."
Yeah, it's like that. No exaggeration, whatsoever. Every time, it never fails.
Then of course there are all the awkward conversations around the table, at shul, at a wedding or whatever. All the constant interviewing. The same questions over and over and over, and sometimes even from the same people. And of course you never get tired of the backlash from other Black or Latino Jews who somehow manage to escape or are oblivious to or in denial about discrimination, etc. Because they don't see it, or they see it in a different light, there must be something wrong with us people living in the real world. I mean, when people assume you're working a function like a wedding just because you're Black, that's nothing at all! You couldn't POSSIBLY be a guest, even though you're dressed to the nines!
Anyway, MOVING ON....
This religion can literally bankrupt me sometimes (it's a good thing I don't have kids!) when the holidays come. Between paying for High Holiday seats, host/hostess gifts, holiday clothing, paid holiday meals (they're NOT cheap!) synagogue membership, kosher food, judaica, etc.. it's just money, money, money. You really do need to be a professional making nice money to be any kind of comfortable in the North East living a traditional Jewish lifestyle (unless you have all the right connections to not have to pay for lots of things.) I wonder, is that why so many women want to marry a rabbi? I doubt it's always because he's a scholar...
As for the cost of conversion, it's funny, I just don't see where in the Talmud or anywhere else in Jewish history, the rabbis charged for conversions, even for sitting the bet din. I've heard or rabbis not charging anything and either only accepting donations, or flat out refusing to accept any money whatsoever, feeling it their holy duty to do what they do. This is why I believe a rabbi should have a paying profession, particularly if his congregation doesn't support him with a living wage. Doing the actual conversion should just be part of his rabbinical duties. Now if someone wants to charge for teaching formal classes, or even private tutoring, I can understand that better. When a rabbi has you attend FREE classes, and does little more than say read this book, buy that book, and ask you a few questions, I just don't see how he's entitled to big sums of money which he wouldn't get for doing the exact same thing for any random Jew doing tesuvah. Granted, I do realize there is a difference between teshuvah and conversion, a person could easily enough just compile a list of reading materials from the internet and asking around for FREE. It is a corrupt business.
The communal divisiveness doesn't help. Neither does the politics... I could go on forever, but I won't.
I will mention that I do have people crawling all over me about marriage and children. Does nobody ever realize or even stop to think that some people are either single by choice (maybe it's just not a good time to be thinking about dating)? Does nobody ever consider that not every woman can bare children? When she gives you the hint to back off, take it! I've heard way too many horror stories!
LAY OFF ALREADY!
Until next time... I'm too tired to keep ranting.
Shavua tov.
P.S. For anybody who just doesn't get it (or who doesn't really internalize it) here are some links about what it costs to be really Jewish. It's no joke. So the next time you see a single person (even seemingly) struggling, have a heart!
http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2010/07/08/the-cost-of-being-jewish.html
http://youngbrokeandkosher.blogspot.com/
http://www.commentarymagazine.com/article/the-high-cost-of-jewish-living/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-shmuley-boteach/too-expensive-and-lonely_b_173065.html
* The cost of conversion. http://judaism.about.com/od/orthodoxfaqenkin/f/conv_cost.htm* Orthodox moving out of NY http://www.forward.com/articles/12957/
* The Costs of Sukkot http://www.thejewishweek.com/editorial_opinion/editorial/odd_economics_sukkot
doesn't mention how expensive the actual sukkot are! Try hundreds of dollars!
* Organizations ignore our financial problems in favor of non-Jewish causes http://www.thejewishweek.com/editorial_opinion/gary_rosenblatt/can_we_afford_make_others_priority
* Normal life is selfish, Jewish day schools top priority http://www.thejewishweek.com/blogs/julie_wieners_mix/vacation_camp_and_other_luxuries
To add insult to injury, I had to leave the synagogue where I converted because
A) The rebbetzin was a totally unrestrained maniac who was terrorizing the whole shul, and actually shouted at me so much, and argued till I had a total melt-down panic panic/anxiety attack right in the shul in front of everyone. She never apologized. I'd gotten too close with my personal problems, thinking the rabbi and rebbetzin would help me. They blamed me for all my problems in life, and based on the little they knew, expected me to say how hi when they barked jump.
The same rebbetzin made a point 2 or 3 times of announcing out loud in front of other congregants that "(I'm) not a member" when she was angry at what I had to say. Total mortification and public humiliation and embarrassment. No, rebbetzin, I cannot afford the $1,000+ annual membership as a poor young single woman!
The same rebbetzin also publicly shouted out asking if I had been at the other local shul (closer by about 40 minutes!) when I only showed up for seudah shlishit instead of my USUAL, Friday Mincha-Kabbalat Shabbat-Marriv, Scharit-Musaf + kiddush, and Minchah-Seudah-shlishit-M"S Maariv. Not the only time I had been accused of shul-shopping (a terrible crime, apparently, particularly for a NON-MEMBER!)
B) The congregation had created a cult of personality around the rabbi, and by extension his wonderful shul. That means that anybody who regularly attends, even if they're not a member, dare not 1) not show up for services. 2) attend other local shuls. 3) not attend paid shul functions (all shul functions not are paid, except life cycle events which they cannot charge for!) 4) criticize anything to do with the shul, no matter how asinine it may be. I had been publicly bashed and called irresponsible for deciding to go to a friend's parent's house instead of staying local because I couldn't afford the $100+ to cover the two sedarim at the shul both seder nights. How DARE I not save up my money so I can support the shul? I mean, it doesn't matter that they normally have dozens of people in attendance. My hard earned money needed to be counted in the shul's coffers, and I was some kind of irresponsible, immature, cheapskate traitor by going with a free, home cooked meal with my best friend and her family! What kind of person was I?
Being that I could not afford to pay rent in a room or apartment near the shul, I had to walk over an hour in all kinds of weather, often times being the first person in shul, even before the rabbi (who lived around the corner). It would be me and the caretaker sometimes. I was clearly NOT loyal to the shul that I didn't belong to.
C) Blindsided. That's how I felt when I found out that the bet din would be charging me well over $1,000 to convert, approx. 1-2 weeks before conversion. I shouldn't worry the rabbi told me. There was a fund for this, and I'd pay them back, and I quote, "when I have money." Guess what? I've been out of a job paying a living wage for years. I've been unable to work for several years, and barely have what to get by on. Within a year, I was being hounded for money. Why hadn't I paid up yet? He wouldn't except small installments. It was a mess.
Here it is several years later, and my situation is grim. I've been majorly depressed on and off. I've spent countless hours schlepping all over the interconnecting areas of public transportation to purchase siddurim, tznua clothing, Judaica, attend shiurim and lectures, Jewish events, buy kosher food, attend services, go away for Shabbat and Yomim Tovim when I don't have where to go locally (I really can't keep the Sabbath and holidays properly at home with my goyish family.) etc. I'm worn out, I mean really worn out. Very little is available locally besides the very basics. Everyone expects me to move to somewhere like Brooklyn where I'm never comfortable, what with all the gaping stares, in shul, on the street, in restaurants, the supermarket...
oh, didn't I mention?
I'M BLACK.
Now, DON'T GET ME WRONG... I'm not saying all or even most white American Jews are racist, although there are enough that are ignorant and isolated enough in the Orthodox world, where they wear said ignorance on their sleeves, that it really is unsettling to a sensitive person like myself to be constantly gawked at like some kind of caged animal at the zoo. It's not like living in the South, where you know it's because you're hated for your color. It's more subtle, like, "Yeah, you're Jewish, but you're not REALLY Jewish like me" or, "Huh? Jews come in THAT color and shape?" or, "Wait... huh? This picture just doesn't make sense..." or "She MUST be a convert, but what is she doing here? Oooh, this is like I a train wreck, I just can't look away... Oh, man, I'm drooling... eew..."
Yeah, it's like that. No exaggeration, whatsoever. Every time, it never fails.
Then of course there are all the awkward conversations around the table, at shul, at a wedding or whatever. All the constant interviewing. The same questions over and over and over, and sometimes even from the same people. And of course you never get tired of the backlash from other Black or Latino Jews who somehow manage to escape or are oblivious to or in denial about discrimination, etc. Because they don't see it, or they see it in a different light, there must be something wrong with us people living in the real world. I mean, when people assume you're working a function like a wedding just because you're Black, that's nothing at all! You couldn't POSSIBLY be a guest, even though you're dressed to the nines!
Anyway, MOVING ON....
This religion can literally bankrupt me sometimes (it's a good thing I don't have kids!) when the holidays come. Between paying for High Holiday seats, host/hostess gifts, holiday clothing, paid holiday meals (they're NOT cheap!) synagogue membership, kosher food, judaica, etc.. it's just money, money, money. You really do need to be a professional making nice money to be any kind of comfortable in the North East living a traditional Jewish lifestyle (unless you have all the right connections to not have to pay for lots of things.) I wonder, is that why so many women want to marry a rabbi? I doubt it's always because he's a scholar...
As for the cost of conversion, it's funny, I just don't see where in the Talmud or anywhere else in Jewish history, the rabbis charged for conversions, even for sitting the bet din. I've heard or rabbis not charging anything and either only accepting donations, or flat out refusing to accept any money whatsoever, feeling it their holy duty to do what they do. This is why I believe a rabbi should have a paying profession, particularly if his congregation doesn't support him with a living wage. Doing the actual conversion should just be part of his rabbinical duties. Now if someone wants to charge for teaching formal classes, or even private tutoring, I can understand that better. When a rabbi has you attend FREE classes, and does little more than say read this book, buy that book, and ask you a few questions, I just don't see how he's entitled to big sums of money which he wouldn't get for doing the exact same thing for any random Jew doing tesuvah. Granted, I do realize there is a difference between teshuvah and conversion, a person could easily enough just compile a list of reading materials from the internet and asking around for FREE. It is a corrupt business.
The communal divisiveness doesn't help. Neither does the politics... I could go on forever, but I won't.
I will mention that I do have people crawling all over me about marriage and children. Does nobody ever realize or even stop to think that some people are either single by choice (maybe it's just not a good time to be thinking about dating)? Does nobody ever consider that not every woman can bare children? When she gives you the hint to back off, take it! I've heard way too many horror stories!
LAY OFF ALREADY!
Until next time... I'm too tired to keep ranting.
Shavua tov.
P.S. For anybody who just doesn't get it (or who doesn't really internalize it) here are some links about what it costs to be really Jewish. It's no joke. So the next time you see a single person (even seemingly) struggling, have a heart!
http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2010/07/08/the-cost-of-being-jewish.html
http://youngbrokeandkosher.blogspot.com/
http://www.commentarymagazine.com/article/the-high-cost-of-jewish-living/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-shmuley-boteach/too-expensive-and-lonely_b_173065.html
* The cost of conversion. http://judaism.about.com/od/orthodoxfaqenkin/f/conv_cost.htm* Orthodox moving out of NY http://www.forward.com/articles/12957/
* The Costs of Sukkot http://www.thejewishweek.com/editorial_opinion/editorial/odd_economics_sukkot
doesn't mention how expensive the actual sukkot are! Try hundreds of dollars!
* Organizations ignore our financial problems in favor of non-Jewish causes http://www.thejewishweek.com/editorial_opinion/gary_rosenblatt/can_we_afford_make_others_priority
* Normal life is selfish, Jewish day schools top priority http://www.thejewishweek.com/blogs/julie_wieners_mix/vacation_camp_and_other_luxuries
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